Wednesday, July 2, 2008
It Could Only Happen To Me
Man, I couldn't make this stuff up. As anyone who knows me would tell you, if anything embarrassing and humiliating is going to happen, and I'm within a 10 mile radius, it's going to happen to me. I'm lucky that way I guess. So today, I'm sitting at my desk at work, smartly dressed in gray slacks, a navy top, black trouser socks and black loafer shoes. Keep this in mind, it will come in to play later. I guess I should also mention that yesterday I started my...ahem...woman days...or, I got a visit from my Aunt Flo...or I fell off the roof (my favorite). Choose whichever expression you fancy...you get my point. So, mid-morning my breakfast of a 12 oz. Dr. Pepper kicks in and I head to the bathroom. To my complete horror I notice that "things" were not "positioned" correctly and a stain has now formed on my smart gray slacks. (I'm trying to describe the happenings as less "icky" as I possibly can, for your sake. Your welcome.) What are the odds that it was in a non-conspicuous place?! This is ME we're taking about here. I was mortified. I try and get myself together as best I can. I wash my hands and I try to check out my ass in the mirror. As luck would have it, the mirror is way above the sink and I can only see from my waist up. So I decide that maybe if I jump up and down all the while looking backwards, I would be able to see how bad the stain really is. I did catch a quick glimpse of said stain and so did the guys who were working on the road right outside the bathroom window, unbeknownst to me. I was puttin' on quite the show. So I go back to my desk and immediately sit down so no one would see. I get the grand idea that lunchtime is soon, so I'll tie my sweater around my waist to cover up the stain, I'll run to the store and buy some cheap pants to get me through the day. OH, that sweater that I put around my waist? Yeah, it's white. Naturally. So I practically jog to my car with this sweater around my waist, looking like a complete tool. Then I remember that the only store in this shit-hole town I work in is Dollar General. Now, it wouldn't have been so too awful if I had worn my cute little sandals and I could have bought some summery capri pants to wear. NOOO, I am wearing black trouser socks and black loafers and the only "pants" they had at this fine clothing establishment is black polyester grandma pants. I had no choice, I had to buy the polyester pants, which, by the way, I had to buy a size too big because they didn't have my size. Naturally. Quite the fashionata, I am. It's just so fitting. I'm having a really hard time with the whole turning 40 thing next week...and now I'm wearing grandma pants. Very roomy tho. So there you have it. I just felt the need to share with the masses my banner of a day. I don't mind. I have no shame.
Now I'm off to drink me a nice tall glass of Iced Metamucil and gum some prunes.